Thursday, October 16, 2008


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Thursday, January 10, 2008

new years resolutions

1. Design a program that makes it possible for deaf people to use text messaging.
2. Comb hair twice daily with laser comb
3. Stop the homeless from feeling sorry for themselves.
4. give a little
5. keep it going
6. Join one of the armed forces
7. Be able to tell someone: "Ive never missed one day of work for 25 years."
8. Keep a smokers pipe in one hand while giving advice to someone.
9. Feel sorry for my weaknesses
10. Trust my second guess
11. Grow a nice full beard and tell lots of jokes at family gatherings and cocktail parties.
12. Use these adult like phrases in my everyday conversations:
* Politics
* Old wives tale
* Been there,done that, got the t-shirt.
* String trimmer
* Here's $5, go buy yourself a high ball.
13. Learn how to smile like Kenny Rogers.
14. When asked if Im thirsty, always reply with "Tom Collins".
15. End most of my sentences with "see what I'm saying?".
16. Don't wake up saying: "I didn't sleep good at all".
17. learn how to say: "Hey, look at me!" and "Why do you care?" in Japanese and Mandarin
18. Get in an argument with a blind person about politics.
19. Wear a monocle whenever I go to return anything to the store.
20. Become more convincing
21. Calm down an angry dog
22. Tell it like it is
23. Wear a black turtle neck with a tan blazer to a nice Chinese restaurant and use the phrase "between the sheets" after each person reads their fortune cookie.
24. Figure out the real reason why in the 5th grade I was kicked out of Junior Great Books.
25. Tell the ones I love, that my love for them would be greater, but I'm a Sagittarius and we are drifters and don't like to stay in one place for too long.
26. Learn to laugh more maturely.
27. Wear a t-shirt that says: "Live, Laugh, Love"
28. Sell live baby turtles on the corner of a busy intersection.
29. Become an occasional smoker.
30. Make up a good joke that ends with the punchline " I'm a rhinestone cowboy".

Friday, October 19, 2007

7 Eleven meltdown

Im sure some of you have already been informed that the 7 eleven on Brown and Horne has burned down..down...down....rock lobster. I was really bummed, because this is where I would go anytime I needed to buy a fresh single stem rose for my girlfriend. Each rose came with a small water filled container made of plastic that fit snug around the bottom of the stem. Does anyone know where there is another flower shop that serves hot nachos?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Ellen cries and Im uncomfortable

Alright, so maybe Ellen shouldn't have lost her dog to the agency, but that doesn't mean she has the right to make me feel uncomfortable. It instantly brought back memories from high school seminary. I would be sitting front row in a devotional while watching someone sing a sad song. They would be looking at me with serious facial expressions, curving their eyebrows with moistened sadness gleaming from their eyes. I remember as the person singing would make eye contact with me, I would slowly sink in my chair feeling uncomfortable and think to myself "Is this person really in high school? Do they realize we have P.E. next hour and things will be ok?" Since then, I have been the shoulder for someone to cry on, and I have shed a few tears myself. But, c'mon Ellen, I have just barely got the courage to fast dance and keep a straight face.... These memories of being stared at with a face like a sad clown are ones I have blocked , that is, until Ellen began to sob on her show. Thank you Ellen. I now need counseling.

Monday, October 8, 2007

no shirt, no shoes, no kenny chesney

It happened to me this morning. A Kenny Chesney video came on t.v. and I actually liked it AND the lyrics to the song. In fact, it made me think a little bit about life and how I shouldn't take it for granted. Why? Why? Why did this happen to me? I have always been anti Kenny Chesney, because I'm tired of all the cowboys writing songs about Mexico, and beer and senoritas (say it, just say "senoritas" in a southern accent) see? That alone should annoy you. And the girls that think there is nothing more beyond that way of thinking. Now say what I type next, in quotations in a girls voice. Ready? "Yeah, lets go to Mexico and listen to Tobey Keith and drink beer and think that this is the only place that has sand and that we should get drunk and listen to country songs about life and the sand and guys that are jerks and beer and forgetting the night before and getting mad at our boyfriend for cheating on us and our truck and life should be simple and Mexico has sand and beer and nobody speaks English which means we can buy coronas for cheaper and limes our good and get in a fight or argument and listen to Kenny Chesney and lose my cell phone in the sand at night because of an argument and hooking up with some other dude that thinks he is a cowboy and he is nice or must be because he too listens to Kenny Chesney and we can date and listen to Kenny Chesney and get married and make a wedding video to one of Kenny Chesneys songs and cry and stay married for about a year and then get divorced and then go to Mexico again and see the sand."

I'm just hoping that Rascal Flatts doesn't sing something I may like.....

Also this morning, I saw that same homeless guy with the good hair.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Look, I'll call you back in 15 minutes...alright, thanks Pat.

I walk through the side entrance and go into the bathroom to wet my hair and tuck in my shirt. I carry my laptop bag over my shoulder. As I walk into the dining area, I'm hoping to portray the "just woken up and grabbing a quick bite before meeting with some associates about some land development" look. I keep my phone to my ear as if to be checking my voice mail and I walk past a family enjoying the exact meal of which I will partake. I make my way into the dining hall and make myself some off the griddle. While my waffles cook, I grab a few pop tarts and granola bars. I tell the lady standing next to me "I tell ya what, they must have stuck me with the bad bed, because my back is killing...good morning." She replies "good of those days eh?" I said "yep, but hopefully this hot breakfast should take care of it." I grinned and as she looked away I stuffed 7 pop tart packets into my laptop briefcase, along with some granola bars. I prepared my waffles and made my way to a table. I picked up a newspaper to browse through as if I was interested in the local news. My a.d.d kicked in quickly and I started looking at the local car dealer ads....then it dawned on me that it would be a dead give away that I was local if I was checking out the car ads. Why would I be interested in a car from AZ. when I will be catching the last flight out tonight to Denver? So I quickly went back to the pages with politics, sports, etc. I finished my waffles and went back to get some orange juice and a toasted bagel with cream cheese. As I was toasting the bagel, I grabbed a few more pop-tarts and granola bars....I get hungry at work sometimes. I finished the bagel while reading about the best German restaurant in Arizona. I slipped the pop tarts and granola bars in my laptop case....tossed the paper plates and headed out the door. Thank you Hotel for comforting me. And thank you pretend business associates that made this all possible. I know we will close that deal with Devlen and Mac Gregor.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

How to cope with the presence of a loved one.

If you can drum with belly dancing music, please contact me for a CD recording and occasional concerts.